Wounded Warrior Project

It is understandable that when you become a caregiver you may experience a wide range of emotions. At times these emotions may feel very intense or change almost from one minute to the next. Some of these feelings are uncomfortable, emotionally painful and gut wrenching. You may have never felt this way before in your life and feel as though you don’t recognize yourself. You may tell yourself that your feelings are not important because you are not the “injured” one. But how you may be feeling, what lies within you and how you look at things are not tiny matters.

• “I feel guilty that my spouse is “wounded” and I am not”.
  It is understandable that you would feel this way. It does not mean that you are a selfish or uncaring  person

• “I feel angry that I am now my spouse’s caretaker.” You have been put into this role by events beyond your control. You did not choose it. Nothing in your life previously may of prepared you for it.

• “ I feel afraid when I think about the future.”  You may be afraid that you will be unable to cope with being a caregiver for the long haul if your spouse’s ability to function, mentally and/or physically does not improve.

• “I feel as though there has been a death.” Grief is a natural response as you may be mourning the loss of your spouse’s health, your life as it once was and your hopes for the future.

• “I feel all alone.”  You may feel alone because you have withdrawn from family and friends or because you feel no one understands what you are going through.

• “I feel depressed.”  You may feel sad, hopeless and lack the ability to experience any joy or happiness. Depression can deplete your energy and block pleasurable feelings.

Let’s be honest. Caring for a spouse is exhausting, challenging, frustrating and sometimes traumatic. You may tell yourself that you don’t have the time to take care of yourself: that all your time and energy should go into taking care of your spouse. Being in constant motion may become a way to bury your feelings and convince yourself you are “super human.” But that would be like running a marathon at full speed instead of pacing yourself. Being good to yourself does not mean you are being selfish or uncaring. It just means that you know this is really the most important thing you can do for yourself and your spouse.

• It’s OK to Accept Help
  You may feel that you should be able to handle everything on your own and asking for help is a sign of failure. Or you may feel that others will feel burdened or have their lives disrupted. It takes a community of people to provide care. When people offer help accept it and suggest specific things they can do. Talk to family members to see how they can contribute. 

• It’s OK to Take Breaks
  If you don’t take breaks, you will become run down and may even burnout. Respite time will enable you to regain your energy and renew your resolve. You deserve and have earned a break.

• It’s OK Not To Be Perfect
  There may be times when you feel tired, discouraged and just plain out of sorts. You may focus on your weaknesses and ignore your strengths. It is hard to get up when you keep knocking yourself down. Being overly hard on yourself will just make you feel worse.

• It’s OK to Take Care of Yourself – Physically and Emotionally
  Physically, stress can adversely affect vital organs and your immune system. So make sure you take care of your physical well-being and get medical care when you are feeling unwell.  If you become ill that will only make a difficult situation even more so. Stress can also be felt in your body and cause muscles to tense, sleep problems, irritability and anxiety.
  
  Explore alternative techniques that self soothe and self calm such as yoga, meditation, deep breathing and guided imagery. Emotionally you can feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger, isolation, grief, and anxiety. If these feelings persist it could be a sign that you maybe depressed and under too much stress. When depressed, people feel hopeless, helpless, and incredibly sad. They have no energy, feel exhausted and think what they do just doesn’t matter. Don’t ignore the signs of depression. Depression is extremely treatable Get professional help.

• Connect with Other Caregivers
  There is something to be gained from the “sense of community” experienced when connecting with other caregivers. Sharing with others who are in a similar situation, problem solving together and creating a support system will decrease your sense of isolation. Knowing you are not alone can be a source of strength.
  
  “ I know many parents who are entering late middle age, some in their 50s and 60s, who are now full –time caregivers”
  John Melia-Executive Director WWP
  
  There are a growing number of parents who have stepped back into the role of caregiver for their adult children wounded in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. These parents have quit their jobs, lost their health insurance, postponed retirement, and relocated to be near their injured sons and daughters. They have had to educate themselves about a system of healthcare and benefits that can be overwhelming to navigate and access.

It is understandable that when you become your adult child’s caregiver you may experience a wide range of emotions. You may have believed that your role of “taking care” of your child was completed when they reached adulthood and now it was the time for you retire, be financially secure, travel and enjoy life.  The loss of these things may cause intense emotions that change from one minute to the next. Some of these feelings may cause discomfit, be  emotionally painful and gut wrenching. You may have never felt this way before in your life and feel as though you don’t recognize yourself. You may tell yourself that your feelings are not important because you are not the “injured” one. But how you may be feeling, what lies within you and how you look at things are not tiny matters.

• “I feel guilty that I feel burdened.”
  This does not mean that you do not love your child or that you do not want to help with their care. It is understandable that you would feel burdened by taking on this role. 

• “I feel angry that I am now my child’s caretaker.”
  You have been put into this role by events beyond your control. You did not choose or plan for this. You may of thought that in your older years it would be your child taking care of you.

• “I feel afraid when I think about the future.”
  You may be afraid that you will be unable to cope with being a caregiver for the long haul if your child’s ability to function, mentally and/or physically does not improve. You may be afraid that as you become older you will not be able to meet the physical demands of being a caregiver    and your own health will be at risk.

• “I feel as though there has been a death.”
  Grief is a natural response as you may be mourning the loss of your child’s health and your hopes for their future. The grief may be perpetual as there are further health  losses and passing of milestones.

• “I feel alone.”
  You may feel alone because you have withdrawn from family and friends or because you feel no one understands what you are going through.

• “I feel anxious.”
  I worry that I will not be able to pay the medical and household expenses and will not be able to save for retirement. I worry that I just won’t be able to care for my child at this point in my life.

• “ I feel depressed."
  You may feel sad, hopeless and lack the ability to experience any joy or happiness.  Depression may deplete your energy and block any
  pleasurable feelings.